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Love is not enough
Relationships are a funny thing. The older I get, the more I realise that it takes so much more than love, passion and a good conversation to form a real union. I have spent the last two years contemplating where I have gone wrong and I am beginning to know what exactly I am looking for…and it is certainly more than just a heartbeat each I see “him”.

1996 was the best year of my life, so I thought. I was convinced that no woman could possibly be as happy as I was. I had just graduated from university with an excellent Marketing degree and was looking forward to post graduate school, I had loving and supporting parents and siblings, a tight extended family and this wonderful man had just popped into my life and had implanted a chip in my brain. He was a tall, handsome, successful black man who swept me off my feet the minute I saw him at a friend's dinner party. His big brown eyes were like a magnet, trying to catch my attention each time he walked passed my way. I was a shy young girl who had been brought up in a very protected home and had no experience at all with flirting, and was convinced that there was no way such a cool and handsome guy could have any interest in a girl as shy and as introvert as I was. I was therefore taken by surprise when he approached me and asked me for my name and genuinely took an interest in asking me questions about my life. At the end of the evening, he discreetly slipped his business card into my hand and whispered that he would love to see me again, but whether I was willing to see him …the ball was in my court. After contemplating for a few days and having done my research on the reputation of this guy, I decided to venture and call him. That was the beginning of a whole new experience in my life. Very high ups and very low downs. I was about to experience my first real relationship …and about to realise that love is not enough to form a real union. Graham was brought up in a Christian home. His parents had instilled in their four children strong Christian traditions, Sunday school was a must and not negotiable. Although not always practising, Christianity most definitely defined him as a person. His mother was a lovely and gentle woman wishing to embrace me into their family and wanting me to attend church services and Christian meetings with her. Thinking I would be the perfect one for his son…if only…. I, on the other hand, came from a muslim background, brought up with muslim values. My parents are practising muslims but have always brought us up in a manner that would allow us to integrate with any other culture. Their wish was that I ended up with a nice muslim man who was as open minded as I was. My physique, my outlook on life, my ambitious nature was perceived as western. Although I did not drink and did not engage in casual relationships and had quite traditional views on marriage and family, most people around me put it down to upbringing rather to the muslim person hidden inside of me. In fact, I do not think that anyone other than very close friends actually realised that I was a muslim girl. I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when I met Graham. Would it work? Religion was important for both of us, but we decided to ignore it…we were in love, we were young, we still had lots of time to think about what we would do about this issue later on, “when we get married”. As we got closer and closer, our parents grew more and more concerned about how the future looked for us. I naively assumed that if Graham loved me, he would understand how important it was for him to convert to Islam, have muslim children and bring them up with Islamic values. It all went without saying. …Little did I know that he expected the same from me, and assumed that him being a man, I would automatically agree to christen my children. Our love story was amazing. We travelled the world on romantic holidays from Barbados to Paris, always thinking that the problem of religion clash was so minor that it will eventually solve itself. At the same time, both our parents were getting rather anxious. We were both professionals, we both had good jobs, we were now actually ready to get married, but yet each time they asked us, we brushed off the questions. My mother was beginning to resent him as she was thinking that he was hard headed and I would not give in until he turned me into that little Christian wife he was expected to marry and feared that I was drifting further and further apart from the family…In the end, my mother and I talked less and less as I avoided any sort of conversation that had any link to the topic of marriage. On Graham's side, his mother resented me as I was preventing him from giving her the grand child that she so desired from her last born baby. Graham was her baby boy, the only hard working and ambitious son she had…and I was getting in the way of the golden plans she had for her golden child. Reality hit the fan when his best friend Anthony got married in a church…where would we have ours? That was our first major argument. He did not believe in any wedding that did not take place in a church… and as far I was concerned…I could not go through with the guilt of having a wedding that was not blessed by my father in a mosque. Ten months after the wedding, Anthony had a baby girl, Jasmine. Shortly after that, the baby was christened and Graham became Godfather. From then on, everything Anthony had, Graham wanted it too. He wanted a family that he could take to church on a Sunday and he became more and more angry with me because as much as I loved him, I could not give up on my religion and my traditions. We separated several times and got back together each time. After six years of being together, it was hard to let go, each time we reunited, our guilty conscious reverted us back to where we came from. One day, on a hot summer day, while I was sitting outside in my terrace enjoying the sun and reading a book on another of our 'time off from our relationship', my door bell rang. There was Graham in front of my door looking rather distressed and agitated. He looked like he had not slept for a few days. He came in, went straight to the kitchen and poured himself a drink without saying a word. I asked him what was wrong with him…all he said was ‘this has got to end’, he said. ‘I am 35 years old and am desperate for a child …I have to go and find it for myself, as much as I love you, love is not enough to form a real union…none of us are able to compromise, I have to go”. I felt empty when he left…but as much as I loved him, I felt that a weight had been lifted off my back…I rang my mother and told her and told her ‘I am ready to get married now’. I was on my own for the first time in 6 years, but I was determined to get it right next time. I had learnt so much from relationships and how important it is to have a reality check before contemplating an intercultural marriage, before the honeymoon is over and the romantic fantasies sweep you away. In her book Intercultural Marriage, Promises and Pitfalls, Dugan Romano hits the nail on the head by saying ‘In any marriage, problems can arise when religious beliefs differ or when one partner’s behaviour conflicts with the other’s beliefs. Mutual respect for each other’s religion is a must for a compatible marriage, but often it is not enough. “Live and let Live” doesn’t work for everyone.’ It is important to confront religious issues before getting married in order to reach some sort compromise and agreement. However, in many cases, many people find it difficult to actually explain to the other partner what their religion actually means to them, it is not always easy to verbalise it, because they have never had to. Many couples do not even get to the issues until they start causing problems in their daily lives. An Italian psychologist said ‘In religion, as in culture, we often don’t know where our feet end until someone steps on our toes’. I also realised that expecting Graham to change his religion to follow mine, was not a simple matter of changing his place of worship, it meant embracing a totally different style of life. It would have made it even harder once children had surfaced. Many adults who had stopped practicing their religion return to the fold as parents, wanting to instill their moral code to their children. It is often very difficult to instill religious beliefs or values when a child sees the other parent doing otherwise. The child inevitably would choose the easier route. We live in an era where the world has become so much smaller. Immigration, holidays, overseas work etc..make us mingle and meet people who are different from us culturally and religiously. Many couples are bound to face the problems that I have faced, the only advice I can give, is that if you culture and religion is so dear to you, make sure you express it verbally before you get in too deep. Ensure that your partner knows where you are coming from and how far you are willing to compromise. Most important of all, research your partner’s culture and religion… will it ever be compatible with yours ?...can you tolerate some of the practices?...what are you willing to accept and will you never be able to take on board?...Think before you leap…love is never enough.