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10 ways of attracting Mr. Wrong

1. Sisters disrespecting sisters

As black women, it is important that we get respect from men on a collective level. It is the only way that black men will respect us on a personal level. Far too many times have I seen a sister bad-mouthing another sister or laughed while other did the bad-mouthing. I am sure that some of these statements sound familiar to all of
you: - ‘I can’t believe he’s with her’ - ‘How the hell did she get him?’ - ‘Check out that girl’s weave’ - ‘It should be me in his arms instead of her’ Ladies, all this has got to stop. We need to create a support system amongst us that will build confidence in each and everyone of us so that men can finally learn to respect us. If we keep on bad-mouthing our sisters, how is anyone supposed to respect them ? So please, let us respect the sisterhood code and avoid being labeled a ‘sister to avoid’. 2. Wrongly defining ‘Mr Right’ Have you ever noticed that each time you tell a girlfriend that you have met a new man, the first question that is thrown at you is “what does he do?”. The more titles a man has behind his name (Phd, M.D etc…) …the more attractive he will be to your friends and family. So many of us have been waiting around in vain in the hope that the right man with a title will come along. We have been denying ourselves the experience of a healthy relationship with good and decent black man simply because he lacks a certain level of status. It is perhaps time to look into a man’s heart and see what we can find in there. A decent man is not necessarily the one who makes six figures, but the one who can understand you, who can share his innermost thoughts, dreams and fears with you, no matter what type of job he does. Sisters, please remember that although man’s status can be worth millions his character can be worth zero, so chose carefully before you lose. Initials after a man’s name do not necessarily guarantee a happy relationship. Look into his heart, choose a man because you want him to love you and not because you need him to empower you. 3. No money, no honey Now girls, I know many of you fantasize about meeting and marrying a rich black man who will “take care” of you. Some how many African girls have been raised to think that way by their mothers..:”find a responsible man, one who has enough money to look after you”. So many of us have had that engraved in our minds that we have started overlooking a man’s character for the sake of the size of their wallets. Girls, please wake up. This is 2007. Let us stop selling ourselves to the highest bidder. Instead, rather than waiting around to be taken care of, why don’t we go and get a slice of the pie ourselves? We are educated, can find jobs and do not need a man to look after us. What we need is the right man to come along so that we can share the slice of the pie together. Sisters, please remember that most men are just like us, working hard to make a decent living, why not do it with them? I strongly believe that, in the long run, good men are attracted to strong women who are able to be independent and can stand on their own feet. If it is real love they are looking for, they need to feel that they are wanted for more than what they are able to provide for a woman. So girls, get out there, make a living for yourself and work on YOU! 4. Thinking that sex means love One lesson that I have learnt is that one should never assume to know what someone else is thinking. Before you engage in sex, talk about where it is leading. It is important to get to know the type of person you are getting involved with and what his intentions are in order to prevent any misunderstandings and hurt. Always ask a man what he is looking for. If he tells you before he engages in any sexual act that he is not looking for a relationship, consider that you have met an honest man, give him credit for being honest and walk away, never think that sex will change his mind….unless YOU are OK with casual sex. Sex will just be sex. The problem with us women is that we frequently are misled by our own wishful thinking instead of looking at the actual facts. We manage to convince ourselves that what the other person is telling us is not true. 5. Financially maintaining a brother who cannot be bothered to earn his own money Now, choosing a man by the size of his personality rather than the size of his wallet does not mean that it is OK to maintain a man and try to buy his affection. How many times have I heard sisters complaining about maintaining a lazy old brother simply because they are afraid he will walk of way as soon as the financial support stops? The problem here is that many of us agree to be used and taken for granted because we believe that we do not deserve better. What we need to realise is that the majority of men who agree to be maintained will leave you and find the next ATM sister once you are broke and they cannot get anything more out of you. Get a reality check and this is how he thinks “why on earth should I get a nine to five when I have her twenty-four seven?”. All he needs to do is be present in your life to make a living. Isn’t life sweet? Ladies, invest your money on you, stop feeling sorry for yourself and find a man who believes in giving-and-taking. 6. Staying on when respect is gone The number one formula for a loving relationship is respect. Someone who respects you will appreciate your worth and treat you in a kind manner. So many Sisters have tolerated emotional and mental abuse and yet stayed on in the relationship simply because they loved the man. It is important to realise that in any relationship respect must be greater than love. Tina Turner hits the nail on the head when she says ‘what’s love got to do with it ?’. When a man respects you they honour your right as an individual. They do not posess you, they do not deprive you from being you, they do not seek to control you, they respect the fact that you have an opinion and they do not try to mould you. Respect implies feeling that someone is you’re your equal and not submissive to you. So ladies, demand respect, demand to be treated as an individual with your own opinion, your own thoughts…demand to be accepted as YOU. Of course, there are some differences between the role of a woman in a household and it is important that a man feels that he is the head of the family, however if you cannot always be treated equally, at least you should be treated fairly. As Dr. Cornish puts it : if he is the head of the family, you should be the neck of the family. Since when does a head stand without the support of a neck? 7. Loving the married man This goes back to the points raised in the paragraph of the importance of respecting our sisters, this means also respecting the families and homes of each other. There is no satisfaction in having an affair with another sister’s partner/husband. Remember that what goes around comes around, find your own man. It may seem all exciting when a man is stealing a bit of time here and there from his family to be with you…but remember that most of the time you will always remain the side dish and never will be the main dish. Also remember that if a man can cheat on his wife, he will cheat on his mistress too. It drives me absolutely insane when sisters know that a man is attached and still decide to give the relationship a go. He told you he had marital problems? Why should you be the one comforting him? Why chose a man who has problems in the first place? Why chose a part time lover when you can have a full time relationship with a whole man? Ladies, do not sell your self cheap. You are a whole woman and deserves a whole man. Do not hurt other sisters by helping yourself to their man and most important of all, do not hurt YOU. …So when you see a ring around his finger or any sort of “attached” warning sign, please run away FAST!!! 8. Trying to keep a man by getting pregnant One thing sisters have to be aware of is that a relationship must first be built on firm grounds before a baby pops up, the other way round does not work, unless becoming a single mother suits us. The problem is that far too many sisters use pregnancy as an act to force a ring around their finger…and when it does not work out, they are heart broken. A child will never be your relationship fixer. If you on your own cannot convince the man to stay, find another man who will, but never use pregnancy to fix your relationship. Furthermore, if the pregnancy wins your man down the aisle, the same problems that were left unfixed before the pregnancy will occur again, this time with the added pressure of raising a child…and most likely everything will end up with a divorce anyway…and surely is it not so much better to have a man who wants to marry you simply because you are you…and not because you are pregnant? …So girls please, please remember that babies are a lifelong commitment, make sure you find a man who wants to be with you instead of forcing him to stay because you are pregnant. That man will never be your man, but simply a sperm donor. 9. Picking the bad boy and overlooking the nice guys Now this one is a classic. Of course all of us want a bit of challenge in our relationships but everything should be done in moderation. So many women seem to gravitate toward the thing that is mostly likely to burn them. One of the reasons we black women so often get it wrong with relationships is because we often bypass respectable and nurturing men and go for the smooth- talking, good-for-nothing black who will make our lives a misery. We would rather be seen with a player than build a life with a stable and nice guy. For once, girls, try to go for someone compassionate, who cares and most important of all someone who can have a conversation with you and keep your intellect challenged. I can guarantee you that once you have tried such a man, you will never even look at a playboy as you will realise that being in love does not equal suffering. Love should not hurt, love should feel good. 10. Getting down the aisle before time A lot of us have suffered emotionally in our marriages, most often it is simply because all too often we have prematurely rushed into marriages with incompatible mates. Despite the fact that it is sometimes pretty clear that a man is not necessarily good for us, we often find ourselves so caught up in this fantasy of being a bride, that the minute he proposes to us, we are quick to accept the proposal. Never get married if you are in doubt, check him out first, do not get married to anyone for the sake of getting married. The worse thing a woman can do is to feel pressured to get married simply to prove to others that she is “marriage material”. Marriage should be a beautiful union between two intelligent people who respect each other and are able to communicate on a deep level. If it does not feel that way, turn down the ring. ….So girls…go find the right person now that you have the right guide. Inspired by “10 bad choices that ruin black women’s life”, by Dr Grace Cornish-a must- read for all women looking for Mr. Right.