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What’s causing the crisis in black relationships?

BLACK MEN and women could be finding it hard to care for each other because bitter family members and friends attack black love.

Thousands of black men and women are remaining on the shelf or mired in conflict, because of negative perceptions and myths about each other, passed on by family and friends.

 

Relationship coach and motivational speaker, Hilton Samuel told The Voice last week that well-meaning families and friends could be hurting black women’s romantic chances by telling them that “Black men are unreliable; black men are mostly after only one thing – sex; black men are players (so) they love to have plenty women; black men love to hit and beat women. “They are ‘wotless’ (worthless) and don’t have ambition, and that if they seem to have money, then they are into drugs or something illegal.” This is despite millions of examples of good black men, who are loving partners and caring fathers. In fact, data from a survey of black women in America, used by US author and social scientist Donna L. Franklin in her 2001 book, What's Love Got to Do With It? showed that seven out of 10 black mothers gave negative messages to their daughters about black men. Samuel and Gloria Waya, head of Q-pid connections, a black UK dating site, said children are being damaged by these perceptions, and that it was up to the black community to promote positive thinking. “If we have misconceptions of each other, we will be behaving according to how we think of them. This can at the least be very alienating (and) at worst very damaging. Along with that, if we concentrate on the worst in people, we tend to get the worst – a self fulfilling prophecy,” Samuel said. Black men have their own struggles, with negative views of black women that hinder their communication with, and weaken their trust in, them. “I have spoken to black men and asked them what percentage of black women are good and bad, and the majority are saying that 99 per cent of the women are bad and 1 per cent are good,” Gloria said. They get fed views of money-seeking, bitter women by some of their friends, she said. “Black men see black women as hard work. They say black women have become too independent, that the things we expect from them are unachievable…” Gloria added. “We see ourselves as having to pull them up and many (women) feel a lot of black men are insecure within themselves. A lot of black men have said to me that white women don’t demand as much as black women do.” Samuel said some black men are told that black women are ‘feisty’, that “black women are angry (as in) angry black woman syndrome. Black women are nagging and want too much, and they don’t know how to treat a man like a man.” Gloria said harmful media stereotypes of black people do not help. “They attach a very negative image to the black woman. We become seen as aggressive. “We say what we think and we have very strong convictions, which do not make us aggressive. We are very strong because we have had to cope with many things in our lives, but we have come up against the stereotypes and we are up against our black men.” Samuel said some of this related to the divide and conquer mentality of slave owners and oppressors, but also to issues of culture. “You need to also remember that black men are also very active and in some instance intense when trying to pursue and seduce women,” he said. “Most black girls have had to develop strong, and in some instances aggressive, responses to guys who will not take a simple ‘no’ for an answer. This almost ‘aggressive’ response may be what some men interpret as ‘feistiness’. Culture or not, problems persist in many black male/female relationships because many black men and women are taught to mistrust each other before age 10. Especially if they grew up in broken or single-parent homes. “If a mother became pregnant and was abandoned by a man, or if she is in lots of fights and quarrels during pregnancy, she more than likely will have a traumatic and angry pregnancy,” Samuel said. “Children also start to pick up and learn what’s happening in their environment from the time they are birthed into it. The most impressionable time, research shows is nought to seven years old. “If they are exposed to any or all of the above, it will be virtually programmed into them.” Savanna, a Jamaican-born accountant living in London, agreed. She grew up without a father and remembered hearing her mother and other black women bash black men while she was young. “She didn’t bad mouth him to me directly, although my dad was not around, but I would overhear her speaking to other ladies about him, saying that he is no good. They would compare notes. “In fact, I remember an aunt saying that she was with someone and he cheated. So, based on all that, she said all men are cheaters,” the 27-year-old said. Savanna added that all this bashing has made her wary of black men. “I would say it has had an impact. “I don’t want to be hurt so, for example, if I see that I am in love with a man, I would get out of the relationship because there is always that message: he is a cheater, he won’t stay around, in the back of my mind.” Samuel said that many black people are like Savanna because they experience and witness dysfunctional relationships, which become their frame of reference when dealing with or talking about members of the opposite sex. Many also develop this lack of trust through listening to loved ones who view all men or women negatively based on a few bad experiences. “When they become parents, they tend to instil suspicion in their children in order to help them to avoid the bitter experience they have had. Hence, women often warn their girl children to be ‘careful of him because men only want one thing.’ This gets perpetuated through generations.” Franklin said there is a need for honest dialogue to examine barriers that put black relationships in crisis, in order to heal the divide between black men and women. Samuel said: “You are a decent black man or woman and there are many more like you out there. Be patient with each other. “We must begin to deliberately look for the good in the other person instead of nit-picking on the bad, and do not engage in any conversation that will man or woman bash,” he added. Gloria agreed. “We all have a responsibility to dispel these myths. We need to create situations where people come together to address such perceptions,” she said. YOUR SAY Voice reporter Segun Adeniji asked Britons: What stereotypes have you heard about black men or black women? Kofi Senyah, 20, student Growing up, I have not heard any myths about black women. I think that black women are very beautiful with bodies in which no other women on this earth could match. Black women play hard to get, whereas white women are a lot easier. You can treat white girls like a piece of trash, but black women stand up for themselves. Siobhan Reid, 19, agency administrator A myth that I have heard about black men is that the majority of them are gangsters. I’ve been told to stay away from them, and the pretty guys. Dianne Wallace, 30, supporting housing manager The myths that I have heard about black men is that black men cheat on their women, don’t have respect, and don’t care about getting jobs. There are so many stigmas attached to young black men, but my reality has taught me that this is not the case. I believe that we are all individuals and we should all be accepted on our individuality. There are a lot of black men who feel that because of the negative stereotype surrounding them, there is no element of respect for them. Chris Richards, 37, street trading officer I haven’t heard any myths about black women. My dad only warned me not to get caught regarding sexual relations. My dad was very supportive of me when I was a teenager. He made his best efforts to guide me down the right path. I believe that black women are the cradle of our nation, but unfortunately they are not being seen like that. It seems that the Western world has changed our thought patterns on how we are meant to treat our black women. Nyika Wallace, 17, student I have heard plenty of myths about black men. I’ve been told to never go out with an ugly black man, because when they dump you, you will feel like crap. The stereotypes that surround them are all correct. They are rude, disrespectful, bigheaded and lazy. Omar Thompson, 20, student I have heard one myth about black women and that is they are official cooks! Black women are beautiful, strong and courageous, with vigorous body shapes.